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The Mich'el Report is not brought to you by Michelob, Sen. George J. Mitchell, and Mike Mitchell Fitness as far as they know.
Tournament officials became aware of some
statistical discrepancies following the 2007 "Season" when specific scoresheets appeared to contradict the collective memory
of several players. These discrepancies were focused on one Alex No-KO Bildeaux whose record-keeping abilities fell short
of par when it came time to post results, particularly when they were his batting results and they were less than favorable.
No-KO was not available for comment, but his ethcis coach, George O'Leary, was quoted as saying, "My client's batting records
are completely accurate, and by accurate I mean they are delusive. They are all prevarications, but they are entertaining
prevarications, and in the end, aren't those the real facts? The answer is no".
Allegations of substance abuse in 2007 were widespread, and
investigations revealed that a number of players were involved with, or suspected of being involved with foreign materials
to obtain a competitive advantage. No one can forget the doping charges brought on Dan ZaremBombski by the IWBL (Independent
Wiffle Ball League) out of Dickenson, South Dakota. Despite the lack of evidence, Bombski was denied the MVP in that league
even though he led the league's MVP voting 3 years running. But Bombski was throwing some pretty good junk in 2007, and it
was when he struck out arguably the best wiffle ball player who ever lived, Paul B. DonoSchmidt, on three straight pitches
that suspicions of alleged doping re-surfaced.
 Gambling on wiffle ball games, although not a common practice,
is generally tolerated and in some cases encouraged. But there are some conspiracy theorists who suggest that gamblers have
influenced the outcome of the games. The most notable controversy came prior to the 2007 Homeboys-Pioneers game when Famous
Dave Hume was caught on camera shoving what looked like a wad of cash into Pete Rose's (Cincinnati Reds affiliated) pocket.
The Homeboys, who were heavily favored, lost that game 7 - 5. Shortly afterward an amatuer photographer inadvertently captured
Hume on camera apparently accepting a check from Pete Rose (Cincinnati Reds affiliated).
 Both Dave Hume and Pete Rose (Cincinnati Reds affiliated) have
denied any wrongdoing, and no definitive proof has surfaced that the Homeboys deliberately threw the game. But Dave has reportedly
scheduled numerous home improvement projects recently, including a detached, heated garage, a full wet bar in the basement,
and an All-Sports coliseum in the barn.
 Various misconducts by a handful of additional players was documented.
Tim Freed, although not formerly affiliated with- or present at- any of the previous tournaments has been preemptively placed
on probation for transgressions he will most likely commit at the 2008 Tournament. John Kramer is suspected of attempting
to burn the Commissioner's couch, and is a known Michigan fan. Jeff Urban apparently damaged the turf of Veteran's Field with
his calf muscle, then never replaced the divot. Jeff also went to Michigan. And Eric Carlson attempted to hide his affiliation
with The Pioneers by issuing a team name change moments before their first game. The ruse was caught immediately.
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Copyright the Jolly Wiffler
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